a journal entry

Here is a journal entry that expresses some of the ways the Lord has been speaking to me lately. Remember, I am not a good writer! :)

One of the biggest struggles in my life is feeling I am not good enough or that I am going to get passed over by God. Before getting pregnant I always assumed I would be barren and would never be able to have a child. In a weird way I feel like the Lord blessed me with a gift of a baby even though it didnt make it. At the same time feelings of being passed over still lurk over me. Ive sat nights and days crying before God mourning my loss. But most of the tears are because despite the pain I feel God's love for me in a way I have never felt before. I just have so much emotion because I am learning the feelings I have towards myself are not the feelings God has for me. There is so much power and freedom in the Lord's love. Lately I have enjoyed laying in bed and allowing the Lord to work on me. I have been trying to be completely honest with him and the emotions that are occurring within me. As I cry I cant question God. His presence is so raw, pure and real, it affects me in a way like never before. I am beginning to realize how God's reality is the only true reality. What He believes about me is the truth, while what I believe about myself is not completely true. So in essence, believing those lies about myself is sin and against God's truth.
I feel like this past month has brought a large amount of healing into my personal life. A lot of stuff has come forth while Jordan and I were praying life into the baby. We were also looking for ways we could repent and purify ourselves in the meantime. Generational sin came to my mind because many relatives in my family were not believers and lived in sin. Generational curses could also have been passed down. I have also felt so trapped in bondage throughout my life and never knew why. After praying I felt that bondage escape from me and was able to tell Jordan things I had never told anyone and have been so ashamed of. Jordan and I really believed the Lord wanted to breathe life into the baby. And God didn't. As Jordan was praying the morning of our final ultra sound he asked God to heal "his baby." He heard in his head immediately afterwards "I already am." Jordan than remembered how he calls me baby as a nickname, and felt as though God was referring to me. I can see how through this hard time, God has been so gracious in his love and mercy towards me. Despite all the pain and agony I feel that so far in mine and the Lord's love story, this is the most intimate point we have ever reached together.

"If I never walk on water, If I never see the miracles, If I never hear your voice so loud, Just knowing that you love me is enough to keep me here, Just hearing those words is enough to satisfy... You satisfy." Misty Edwards- Let Me Love You More