Loving Our Kids On Purpose

So while I was pregnant with Henry I started to notice how people parent their children.  Before I never really thought of different parenting styles or techniques, but I started to notice people parent very very very differently.  I didn't want to be a "reactive" parent, meaning someone who makes decisions out of a reaction to something that happens.  Instead I really wanted to be intentional in the way I parented my kids.

I have a dear friend who has a son that is a few years older than Henry.  Her son has a big personality and a very sweet spirit.  After watching her parent her son, I wanted to pick her brain on how her and her husband intentionally parent.  She led me to the one and only parenting book I have ever read.

Loving Our Kids On Purpose has been so influential on how Jordan and I parent.  When I read the book (which took 3 hours because it was so easy and entertaining) I felt like I learned things about God that I never thought of before.

Here is the premise of the book.  Rather than focusing on behavior, the author encourages you focus on your child's heart.  This includes allowing your child to make choices, then deal with the consequences of his/her choices.  This is exactly how God parents us as well.  God made us to be people of freedom. We have the freedom to make our own choices.  God put the Tree of Knowledge in the garden.  He is not intimidated by our ability to make a bad choice.  That is the way we should be as parents... okay with our children making bad choices and having to deal with the consequences of those choices.

Here are some examples of how this has looked so far.  Rather than telling Henry to go to bed.  We give him tangible choices.  A conversation may go like this:
"Henry if you go in your room with me right now we can read books.  If you don't I am going to put you in your bed without books.  Which would you prefer?"  9 out of 10 times he runs to his room to get books.

Another example of how this can be practiced. Sometimes Henry acts up at dinner.  Rather than saying "go to your room and come out when I say you come out." We say something like this, "Henry look around the room.  Everyone in here is having fun and being loving to one another.  You are more than welcome to stay in here with us but if you can't be loving you need to go to your room." Sometimes he still throws a tantrum or whines and he goes in his room.  He then comes out when he makes the choice that he can behave at the table.  It is really important that Henry realizes it was HIS CHOICE to go in his room, and he was not forced by me.  Usually we celebrate when he comes back in the kitchen and says he is ready to rejoin us.  We will tell him how happy we are he is back and then enjoy our time together.

Before reading this book all of this was so foreign to me.  But when I think about it, this is EXACTLY the way God relates to us.  He wants us to make good choices because it is good for our relationship with him.  But he does not control us.

Here are some other funny/insightful examples from the book.

The author's daughter has a chore everyday to clean the dishes after dinner.  For a week, night after night the dishes weren't getting done and the daughter said she would do them the next day. Finally, the dad ended up doing the dishes for his daughter (which took five minutes).  He went into her room and told her he ended up doing her dishes and now she needs to do a job for him.  So he told her she could clean out the shed or the chicken coop.  She cleaned the chicken coop that took 3 hours.  A week or so later, the mom reminded the daughter to get the dishes done.  The dad yelled up "I will do them for you!!" and the daughter ran downstairs to ensure she got them done before her dad could.

I love this way of parenting.  There was no nagging involved.  Instead, the daughter was empowered to  make a good decision.

Another example is when the author's son left his hamster on the bus.  The son went home and explained the situation to his parents.  The parents responded by saying "Wow, thats too bad."
The son then said "Well what should I do? The hamster is probably scared"
"What do you think you should do?"
"Find where my bus is and get him."
"That sounds like a good idea."
"Where do you think the bus is? How should i get ahold of them?"
"Where do you find most other phone numbers?"
"In the phone book, I will go call."
They then called and the boy got the hamster back.

I love how the parents did not make their son's problem their own. There was no ongoing arguing where the parents tell their son how disappointed they are and how he needs to be more responsible.  Instead they had him deal with the consequence of leaving the hamster on the bus.  (which who brings hamsters on the bus anyways?! haha).  I always thought having teens would lead to the nagging and fighting but I don't know that is has to be that way.  *I will let you know when my kids get to that age ;)

Anyways, I am not sure I did the book justice in this small description.  Needless to say I love this book and what it has done for our family and our relationship with the Lord.  I just finished reading it for the third time.

Have you guys read it? What influences you in your parenting ways?