Identity Crisis

Post by Jordan

I woke up this morning and immediately began thinking about work; what needed to happen today, who did I need to talk to, what emails needed to be sent, what calls had to be made, orders placed, orders received, action items followed up on, planning, training, and on and on and on. Then it hit me, I don't "work" anymore...and that "work" which has been waking me up with my mind racing before my 3:50am alarm for the past 6 years isn't my "work" anymore. Now I have known this day was coming for a while; but the expectation I had of when it came was entirely different than what I experienced as I laid in bed this morning. I thought I'd be elated, free, energized and excited. Mostly what I felt was a sense of loss, sadness, and confusion. What in the world am I going to wake up thinking about now? What am I going to fill my days and thoughts with throughout each week? Who is going to need my advice, direction and feedback? Who am I if I'm not the boss?

Welcome to day one of our first Sabbath Year and day one of Jordan's second identity crisis. We all find identity in a variety of things, yet usually it isn't until we lose those things that we realize how much identity we had stocked up in them. Now this hasn't entirely caught me by surprise; I've been through another identity crisis in the days and weeks that followed the birth of our first son Henry. At that point in my life I was immersed in leading and preparing for a weekly house church meeting. This meant hours of studying and preparing to teach, as well as meetings with leaders setting vision and direction for the group and then of course the time spent meeting with and caring for all of the people who were part of the group. What I didn't realize was that all of these things were the components of my subconscious "reasons Jesus is happy with me" list. So as I stepped away from leading that group the week before Henry was born and the reality of fatherhood crashed in a few days later, I encountered my first identity crisis. Who am I apart from all of the these "things I do for Jesus." Does He still love me if I don't have time for a daily "quiet time," does He still love me if I'm not leading a ministry, is just being a dad and a husband enough? The Lord has spent the last few years working those things out of me. I believe he wants to do this so that I can in fact step back into those types of Kingdom opportunities, but do it in a way that doesn't define who I am or what I believe Jesus thinks of me. Another result of this process has been the Lord elevating this role of father, husband and leader of a family to the place I believe God intended it to be...which in reality is a big part of why our family is doing what we are doing.

So now here I am on day one of unemployment. I feel icky and a little bit ashamed even writing that word. I guess it helps that it was voluntary, but would I be ok if it wasn't? Will I feel the need to desperately defend my decision and explain every detail of it to people whose approval I crave? Who am I apart from the work I do? The first question everybody ask a man upon meeting him is of course "what do you do." What they really mean is "where do you work." How will I answer that?

Identity crisis is good, because I am prone to find my identity in all of the wrong places. Jesus help me to find my identity in you. Help me to find my worth and value in the reality that I am an adopted son of the King. And help me to understand how good things like work and ministry fit into all of this.